13th February 2013

Life is kind of unusual. I feel sort of weird and out of place. Is it because I'm being ignorant? Or I have changed so much the past few months. I ought to say that I do but there's something off about myself. I just don't feel like I am... me. The usual me, I guess. I just feel there's more of what I can do, feel and deserve than now. 

I mean I did even listed what I wanted to do but I feel like it's not enough. I just want to be something. Not known of; but to be appreciated or just feel belonged that's all I want to. I just had a feeling that I never actually belong here you know? It's like I'm needed somewhere else but just my existence is somehow... forgotten or refused to be recognized.

Maybe there are some things best left forgotten but seriously though; I really do feel out of the place. Some people would've thought maybe I'm influenced by anime, movies or books that made me feel that way but it's not. I've been feeling like this for the whole time. It's kind of overwhelming and uncomfortable that makes me isolate myself from people but more in a way of, 'This feeling is eating my insides, please help me.' 

But the more I told them, the more I ridicule myself than actually invoke the feel to guide me inside them. No one understands the feelings and pains I've been through. It's true. Although two people lost their parents, but the cause is different. One may just lose them in a car accident while the other in natural disaster like earthquake, hurricane, flood, etc. that he thought he should be able to save them but he is too late. In some kind of sense, they know how it feels like to lose both of their parents but in the same timing, they just don't understand each other the concept of losing. Maybe because one is feeling lonely and hopeless; blaming God and chooses the wrong path from what he suppose to go, and the other is thinking that blaming himself is the right thing to do and starts to isolate himself from others. 

Everyone in this world experiences different kinds of things to himself that others fail to understand. It's not like everyone is like that but you can see most of them are being ignorant. I'm not blaming them, though since I'm kind of like them. It's tiring. To lend a helping hand to someone but in the end you get pushed away and replaced for a person far way better than you. 

I could say I'm broken but there are a few people holding a piece of me; the old me. A significant sign that I have changed. Every encounters are precious. It's either I need them to change me or they need me to change them. I did say most of the encounters in my life are memorable and precious. I met a new light to my life but I know that flame of hers will extinguish to leave me behind when I'm not noticing. It's kind of painful but hey, I bet it might be the best for her and me, in a sad way. 

I was hoping for someone to save me but in the end I have to save myself.